The holiday season isn't always joyful; if you're the one in charge of keeping track of everything, it can also be stressful. Here is why and what you should do.
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Despite how joyful it may be, stress during the holidays is also a possibility. It's a stressful time of year for many people because they have to spend a lot of money on gifts, live up to their own (likely very high) expectations, and find time for all of the holiday events that take place throughout the month.
However, you're not the only one who has this feeling. In fact, a heavy mental workload and excessive emotional labor are two ideas that may help to explain the stress you may experience at various points throughout this season.
According to Joey Trine, a licensed clinical professional counselor with Thriveworks Counseling and Psychiatry Aurora in Illinois, mental load is also known as the invisible load or cognitive labor. It includes the daily tasks you complete but don't record or cross off on your to-do list. You're still devoting effort to the tasks, though. For example, you might remember to buy cookie dough for your children's holiday bake sale or to take note of your in-laws' preferences for their presents this year.
Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the proprietor of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia, a mental health group practice that specializes in culturally sensitive services for individuals, couples, and families, explained that the mental load is "basically the entire thought process that goes behind a task or behind a situation.”
Usually, one person carries the majority of the mental burden in a marriage or family. (And in heterosexual relationships, that person is typically the woman, though Sagaram noted that things are slowly changing.)
On the other hand, emotional labor refers to the emotional work that goes into various relationships, according to Sagaram. This might take the form of handling a difficult dynamic within the family or listening to a friend when they're upset.
Despite being different, the two ideas can build upon or feed into one another. Sagaram added that as you continue to provide for that person, just on a different, more concrete level (like relieving them of stress by picking up more wrapping paper), emotional labor, like letting a loved one emotionally dump on you, can eventually turn into a mental load.
Therefore, if you're feeling a little off around the holidays, the stress of both of these ideas could be to blame. Here are some tasks that are probably making it worse and some strategies for coping:
Your mental workload increases as you gift shop.
Sagaram claims that receiving gifts during the holiday season significantly increases your mental workload. It takes a lot of energy to do the shopping, the planning, the wrapping, and the actual giving of gifts, whether you're trying to decide what to get your children for Christmas (and hiding and wrapping the presents, if they believe in Santa Claus), what to buy for your parents, or choosing a gift for a work exchange.
Because people are trying to come up with thoughtful gifts or other ways to show thoughtfulness, the holiday season itself, in my opinion, adds a lot of stress to people's lives, Sagaram said. There is a lot of thought that goes into that, too.
Arranging a vacation.
According to Sagaram, if you travel to family events, the ostensibly straightforward act of organizing transportation increases your mental workload. It takes extensive planning and research to figure out how you're going to get somewhere and when you're going to leave.
Not to mention the preparation: You need to pack your bags, pack your gifts, organize any tickets required for travel, or make sure the car is in excellent condition for a drive. It is the responsibility of the person carrying the mental load to see that everything is taken care of.
monitoring an increase in social engagement.
Holiday parties are in full swing during the most joyous season of the year, adding to the mental load of the person who carries the load.
It's a period when your schedule probably looks quite different from usual, so there are more social events to coordinate, according to Trine. This might entail dropping off your children at holiday activities or keeping track of the various dress codes for upcoming events.
If you manage the household's mental workload in addition to hosting a holiday event rather than just attending one, you'll experience even more stress.
Generally speaking, during the holidays you will also be asked to do more and more.
Trine pointed out that you'll probably have more work during the holiday season if you belong to a group like a volunteer community or a local sports league (or if your child or partner does). This increases the mental workload even more.
People feel obligated to help out during this time of year because so many people are asking for assistance, Trine said.
This could entail participating in a cookie drive, making a monetary donation to a charity, or throwing a holiday brunch for your group. Even though they are all worthwhile, it can be challenging to accept this additional responsibility if you already feel overburdened.
Additionally, you might have to deal with awkward family or friend dynamics.
It falls under the category of emotional labor because your relationship with loved ones is solely based on relationships, which is a very real stressor for many people during the holiday season (and all year).
The William R. Kenan, Jr. School of Psychological Science professor Michele Tugade claims that. Holiday gatherings that call for bringing families and friends together, according to Chair at Vassar College, are a significant source of emotional labor. Therefore, all of those holiday dinner parties or cookie-baking activities can be taxing.
Holidays are a time of increased social interaction, which, according to Tugade, can cause emotional exhaustion at work and feelings of burnout. Additionally, it may result in issues that make it difficult to take pleasure in the season.
Too much emotional work is costly to an individual, according to research, which also links it to higher levels of depression and anxiety as well as increased burnout.
This may be particularly true for you if you're the go-to person for family drama. According to Sagaram, this can lead to you feeling overextended by the time you've finished helping someone else because you felt the need to solve their problems or manage their emotions.
Those who work in the service sector probably put in even more emotional work.
People in the service industry must, unfortunately, deal with dissatisfied (and frequently rude) customers. They'll probably have to deal with this more frequently during the busy holiday shopping and dining season.
Tugade put it this way: "A type of performance, in a way, like 'keeping your cool' in the middle of escalating stress so that you can get the job done.”
Therefore, a flight attendant dealing with a challenging passenger on a busy holiday travel day might just have to smile and move on rather than expressing their true emotions. Continuous emotional labor can be draining both mentally and emotionally, according to Tugade.
Keep in mind that this comes after all of your other daily responsibilities.
When the holiday season arrives, the person carrying the mental load and those who must listen to emotionally charged family or friend issues don't simply get a break from their other responsibilities.
Instead, Sagaram claims that these problems exacerbate the extra obligations and stressors that the holiday season brings.
As a result, the stress of the season will be increased if you are the person who frequently replenishes the toiletries while also shopping for holiday gifts.
Take some time for yourself throughout the month to help with these emotions.
Set some boundaries (such as declining an invitation to a Christmas party you don't want to attend) or allow yourself to be 10 minutes late for a social engagement if you need the extra time to just breathe if you feel overwhelmed.
As you balance the increase in mental and emotional [labor] that comes with the holidays, she advised, "those are good things to have in your back pocket.”
This holiday season, if you're carrying the mental load, assign some tasks to others.
Realizing you are the one carrying the mental load is not a pleasant experience (especially as the holidays approach quickly). However, Sagaram advised talking to your partner to help reduce some of the stress associated with the holiday mental load.
In a relationship, she advised sitting down with your partner and literally writing out all the tasks that need to be completed.
She advises you to make two different lists: one for everyday life, and one just for the holiday season. Then assign your partner the responsibilities they must carry out during the holiday season.
To avoid having to constantly remind your partner to finish their to-do list, Sagaram added that you should assign your partner (and yourself) tasks that they'll actually complete. Additionally, it's crucial to let go of the tasks you assign (in other words, stop checking in frequently) and for your partner to fully assume them.
Sagaram continued, "This is short-term crisis management; we're fully in the holiday season, so it's necessary to remove some of the stress right away." You and your partner ought to talk more broadly about reducing your mental load outside of the holidays after the holiday season.
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